WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH - a novel in the making #3: Third Encounter

It's lunch time.  The dreaded lunch time in a brand new school.  The first time in a new school where you are free to go wherever you want to go.  There is no designated place to go.  There is no designated task.  There is no designated person in charge.  It is the hour of hell in a new school because just where the hell are you supposed to go.  What the hell are you supposed to do with yourself.  Who the hell are you supposed to talk to.  And what the hell are you supposed to do to pass the time. 

Genevieve stands at the hall towards the mess hall.  She walks slowly towards the noise of the uncontrolled mob, where order and organization are both scared away for at least an hour.  She feels herself slow down towards the big double doors beyond which is that monster of the mess hall that contains nothing but strangers.  Two boys brush pass her and push through the double doors.  She gets a quick glimpse of the monster but not long enough to focus on any one thing.  She is now so close that she will have to decide in a moment whether or not to actually go through the doors.  She slows to a stop.  She stretches her hand to push the door.  Five seconds go by.  She stands with her hand outstretched towards the door as if not wanting to have to open it herself, as if willing the door to open by itself.  It doesn't open.  She turns around and walks briskly back towards the direction from which she came.  She finds herself hurry pass a pair of eyes looking at her.  She knows he sees her but she is forcing herself to ignore him.  Don't make eye contact, she tells herself.  He didn't see me...didn't see me chicken out of going into the mess hall.  I will just pretend I forgot something and am now going back to my locker...

Strange chick, Michael thinks, as she brushed pass him desperately avoiding his eyes.  New kids are always strange.  Poor kid.  Probably one of those teased to death because they're so proper.  He watches Genevieve speed down the hallway, around the corner and towards the lockers.  He steps in her direction to the end of the hallway and peeks around the corner.  He sees her at her locker.  She stands in front of it spinning the combination.  She turns her head in all directions as if to check if anyone is watching her.  She catches Michael's eyes.  He doesn't avoid hers but she does. He shakes his head.  Very strange chick indeed.  Michael heads back towards the mess hall.  It's beans and weiner day with canned tomato soup.  How could he possibly pass up such a nutritiously deficient day!!  It's not the lunch Michael is after.  Because he doesn't need to eat school lunches.  Someone will bring him some fresh BTL sandwich on homemade five-grain bread with just a perfect dab of mayo and pepper.  Someone else will offer a strawberry and banana protein drink while he catches up on the latest trends in school, in films, in fashion, in business... Lunch time is CNN International time for Michael, where news never stops.

July 14, 2007
Tai O Village
Music: Sevilianas del punelo (Vicente Amigo y El Polo)

今天是我一生中最悲傷的一天

前天知道我大姐的愛馬上星期去世，今天她給我電郵，述說愛馬Bobby去世時的情境。她說Bobby在馬房中摔下來，因為年老，不能起來，她說，眼看一隻巨大的動物掙扎地起來，但氣力不從心，Bobby不斷嘗試，就算筋疲力盡，滿身大汗，氣喘無力都拼命到底。大姐說，Bobby是純種馬，脾氣很倔強，一定會為主人拼命，她說："They will die trying."我讀到這一句時多心痛，眼淚早已洗面，腦海中只見到一隻不肯放棄生存的老馬拼命地站起來，身邊有多個人士幫忙都無能為力。最後Bobby開始抽筋，獸醫說是時候讓牠離去，就為牠打針，仁度毀滅，我大姐說，Bobby的生命力非常強，不願意放棄，獸醫需要打很大支針，Bobby才安樂離去。

我大姐養了Bobby廿多年，Bobby臨終二十七歲，是一隻長壽而活得開心的馬匹，我大姐的多年愛戴讓Bobby活得長久，馬匹及馬主互相愛護多年。大姐說Bobby令她明白什麼是信任，馬匹及馬主的協調，讓大姐知道什麼是無條件的愛。

跟著，我大姐說她還另有壞消息，她的另一摯愛寵物Brina狼狗，養了快二十年的好伴侶得了癌症，獸醫說可能只有三個月的壽命。

閱讀到這一點時，坐在寫字枱，望著電腦，睇住"... vet thinks Brina will only have three months..."幾個字，我就不能再忍，抱頭大哭了幾小時。

幾天前，知道大姐與愛馬分開，眼淚已想湧出來，今天聽到她又要與愛犬分開...　我大姐結婚後沒有生孩子，寵物就是她的孩子，陪伴她大半世，目睹她渡過無數次的痛楚，給她無限的喜悅及無條件的愛護，我知道她現在一定是心痛非常，我亦為她心痛。

其實我為大姐心痛，我亦為我們姊妹們再一次心痛，五個月前癌症這惡魔已令我們失去四妹，我都未正式面對這事實，一家人還未痊癒，大家仍然痛得很，那痛快要將我們撕開，令我們破裂，因為大家都痛，大家都在泳池深水那邊，如果不努力"踩水"就會被淹沒。

Today I felt all the pain
Today I saw all the wounds
Today is not for the birds
Today is for the wolves

When I look up I see no sky
When I look up I see no rain
When I look up I see just thunder
I see only the roar of anger

If such is the world we must live
If such is the pain we must endure
If such is the truth we need to learn
If such is the life we need to find

So here is the road we must walk
So here is the voice we must answer
While I protest this must be so
So must I be here, I dare to wonder?

Goodbye, Bobby.  You've been a god-send to those who loved you. You will forever be missed.

EVE AND THE FIRE HORSE
OPENS IN SAN FRANCISCO

www.eveandthefirehorse.com
www.myspace.com/eveandthefirehorse

First-time full feature film director Julia Kwan's tale of a precocious young girl from an immigrant family in Vancouver during the 1970s. 

Hong Kong actor Lester Chan Chit Man（陳哲民）was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Genie Award (Canadian Oscars). 

For all you independent filmmakers out there.... you too can also enjoy this kind of success one day.  I'll organize a showing some time in the summer for those who are interested in seeing this gem of a multi-award winner.

ONE OF MY STUDENTS EMAILED ME TODAY AND SAID...
今天有個學生給我電郵說...

"It is my great honour to attend your class. I think all of our classmates will agree that this is a wonderful course and we really learned very very much from you. Thank you for your kindness..."
"上你的堂是我的榮幸，我想同學們都同意，這課程非常有用，令我們獲益良多，多謝老師對我們的幫忙..."

It's the end of the school year and I get a lot of compliments from students who tortured me all year and are now "grateful" for my teaching.  This year I got a few good ones:
學期又完畢了，我又再次聽到很多學生讚不絕口的說話，全年中都在折磨我的學生現在對我非常感激了，今年收到幾個頗經典的：

"Actually I had given up acting. I thought I would never become an actor... But your appearance made me do things I never knew I could before.  You made me do it. You let me know I could..."
"其實我早已放棄演戲，覺得我不會成為一個演員... 但您的出現令我發現自己能做到的是超乎自己所想。是您令我做得到，您令我知道我是做得到..."

"You are always nice. You love us and you have such patience to teach us. Because of you I was exposed to things I had never known before..."
"你時常都一樣人慈，你疼愛我們，很有耐性教導我們，在你身上學到很多以前未接觸過的事..."

"You never gave up on us however badly we behaved during these years.  Whatever needs we have, you do whatever you can to help us..."
"無論我們在這幾年有多頑皮，你都沒有放棄過我們，無論我們有什麼需要你都盡你所能去幫我們..."

"You are a sincere and patient teacher... I have been influenced by your teaching... If I had questions, I will surely contact you..."
"你是一位很有熱誠和耐性的老師... 我亦有受你的教導影響... 有問題我一定會找你..."

"You gave me a lot of chances.  Your love is always around us..."
"你多次給我機會，你的愛總是圍繞著我們..."

"Because of your assignments, I am more interested about acting. I will definitely keep learning about acting..."
"因為你的功課我對演戲更加有興趣，我一定會繼續學習演戲..."

"Your advice is so useful... You can show it in so much detail..."
"你的提議很有用... 你的講解總是這麼細緻..."

"I am touched to receive such detailed feedback from you..."
"收到你如此細緻的評語我非常感動..."

"I will never forget what you taught me..."
"其中讓我很難忘的是您教我的..."

Yes... kids... they're so cute.  If only they knew... If only they knew how difficult it has been to sustain interest in teaching in the recent years... The disappointment, discouragement, disrespect... [sigh]
不錯... 小孩呀... 真可愛。要是他們知道... 要是他們知道這幾年支撐做導師的信念所需的力量有多大... 多次的失望、沮喪、不尊重... 〔唉〕

Then is hearing this enough to wipe out all the hurt? I wish it were.
那是否聽到這些說話就足夠補償一切痛楚？我也很想是足夠呢。

My only consolation is that they will soon understand what I wanted to do for them for they will soon enter the work force and realize that commitment, hard work, responsibility and respect is what we need to keep things going.  Passion for your art is great but they don't clothe you, pay your rent or put food on your table.  You can't do whatever you want to just in the name of passion only.  We, all of us, have to work with each other.  And that takes commitment, hard work, responsibility and respect.
我唯一的安慰，就是他們很快就會明白我為他們做的一切，因為很快他們就會投身入社會工作，就會理解到做事要順利的話，就要投入、努力、負責及尊重。對你的藝術有一顆熱誠是不夠的，畢竟熱誠是不會給你衣著、為你交租或為你醫肚，單靠熱誠是不夠的，工作時我們大家都要講求合作，而這是靠投入、努力、負責及尊重而得來的呀。

I'm sure they will soon understand what I tried to do.  I have to believe that - It's my only consolation.
我知道他們很快就會明白我當初所做的一切。這是我唯一的安慰，我必要相信。